|a letter to the misunderstanding and the misfortunate...
||[Aug. 1st, 2005|12:15 pm]
i am sorry that you feel hurt about our lack of communication lately. i am also sorry to hear that you are willing to throw everything we have away because of this. i do realize that i am at fault for a lot of this; i am willing to take this into consideration. however, we have both allowed a pattern to develop over the past few years... numerous times, either one of us will say that we will contact one another by a certain deadline, and more often than not, that deadline is passed. both of us seemed to be fine with it. it was not until recently that i have realized that this has become offensive to you. but, keep this in mind my dear friend: you, too, continue to do the same thing. only when you are the one attempting to contact, are you offended, and i understand that. just keep in mind my perspective of all of this - and that is that since BOTH of us are continuing to not stick to our word as far as planned time for communication, i thought that everything was okay.|
i also am aware that this is not the only reason for your discouragement about our friendship. like my mother said, i do tend to put my everything into one person, and only one person at a time. it happened with you, with nicki, anna, josh, jen, bri, and now sean. but, the person who has gotten the least of this all is sean as i am breaking away from that clinginess that i tend to carry somewhere deep inside of my subconscious personality.. as i grow, i become more aware of my shortcomings, and this is one of my largest. i can see a change, and i hope that some day the people around me who care will also be able to see it, so that they will stop feeling that i want to distance myself when i really don't; i just don't always have time.
one more thing... i struggle with grasping the concept of anything that is actually real that is not right in front of my face. be it something as far away as God or something within a little closer of a reach like our friendship; it is hard for me to completely feel or understand these things. i need to work on this, and after the past few days of my life, i think it may be a little easier for me to do.
enough of this rambling for now...
i hope to speak to you soon.
p.s. the comment you left was distasteless and offensive. i have just been extremely confused about many aspects of my life. i believe that i do carry quite a bit of sense.